mood	»	chipper
music	»	For the Glory - Ian Brown

So
I am back in the world of livejournal after dropping in now and again over the last few months... well, maybe even bordering on years. That is what a lack of internet access can do to a person. Lack of access combined with many other factors

Anyway, my biggest and best news would be my uber cute niece
Meet Alycia Josie Angel Rice
She is the shizznit =^.^=

First ever hold. I nearly squeeled and awwwww'd myself into oblivion

This was taken the day after she was born
Don't ask why my hair looks a completely different colour than it did the previous day. I have no idea. Maybe I have magical hair that only works around babies... um, yeah

This is now. She is the business and I love her to pieces

( Read more... )

Yes. I have about ten billion pictures of Alycia. She isn't even 3 months old yet. What can I say? I am camera happy. I've never had a niece/nephew before. Now, I have her. Plus, my brother and his girlfriend are expecting a baby boy on December 20th. Christmas = Baby zone haha!

Alycia even has her own song. I am an Ian Brown freak. I mean, damn I am obsessed. I loved The Stone Roses but when he went solo, oh my poosticks. It doesn't get better than Brown. I had been waiting for his new album 'My Way' and on the day Alycia was born I heard the first track from the album for the first time. It's called Stellify and the lyrics = eerily perfect

Yeah the first time
When you are stellified
Could be the last chance
I have to sanctify
So save the last dance
For me my love cause I
I see you as an angel freshly
Fallen from the sky

I made a shrine, I made it for you
I see you are an angel
All the things that you do
And now I found tomorrow
With you I'm miles high
Shining like a diamond
in the darkness of the sky

I stellify
I'm miles high
I stellify

And so we're miles above
Our ribbon in the sky
And it's the real love
I see so in your eyes
So save the last dance
For me my love cause I
I see you as an angel freshly
Fallen from the sky

I made a shrine
That stands here for you
I see you are an angel
All the things that you do
No one knows tomorrow
The future stands to find
This rockets starts ablazing so for you
I stellify

I stellify
I'm miles high
I stellify

Yeah the first time
When you are stellified
Could be the last chance
I have to sanctify
So save the last dance
For me my love cause I
I see you as an angel freshly
Fallen from the sky

I made a shrine
With candles for you
I see you are an angel
All the things that you do
Now I found tomorrow
with you I stellify
Throw my arms above
Cause now I fly and touch the sky

I stellify
I'm miles high
I stellify

Seriously, Youtube it noooooooooooooow. Love Ian dammit!

Apart from all that jazz I have been mega hectic on the employment front. I need a job and I need a job baaaaaaaaaad -holds out tin can- donations greatly appreciated! I am up shit creek financially. Fucking stupid country, stupid economy, stupid democracy, STUPID RECESSION!... England is crap right now, which is saying something because I love my country. I'm proud to be obnoxious and british haha
How are you all doing, anyways??

mood	»	crushed
music	»	Welcome to Heartbreak- Kanye West

I know, updates from me are kin to getting blood from a stone. I guess this is an update in part but also a dire desperate need to vent

My life just seems to be getting more and more complicated and difficult

Right now my head is more fucked than I can ever recollect (And that's saying a lot!). Last Saturday I was getting these crippling pains down my right hand side, mainly in my hip/abdominal area but spreading into the lower back and upper thigh. Personally, I'm a doctor/hopital-aphobe meaning I will not go of my own accord unless I have no choice soooo me being me, I ate some painkillers and gritted my teeth. When I woke up on Sunday morning I couldn't move. The pain was unbearable. After over an hour of crawling round the bedroom floor in hysterics I faced the fact that maybe this was one of those 'get your white ass to A&E' times so I phoned the parents. That in itself went down well but my Dad came round and took me to Arrowe Park Hospital by this point I was vomiting and pretty much unable to breath because the pain was that bad, to be frank, I was absolutely shitting myself
When I eventually got to see the Doctor (God bless the NHS) she examined me blah blah blah and seemed to think, as I did, there was a fair chance this was something to do with my kidneys. I did the compulsary urine sample only to be told that I was pregnant. Which I wasn't expecting. I mean, I was way overdue on my period but had started bleeding a few days before so obviously, with me passing blood and having crippling abdominal pain they send me to maternity/gynaecology straight away. Blood tests showed an elevated level of hormones in my blood, coinsiding with the positive pregnancy result but due to the pain they informed me straight away that while it could be a regular pregnancy there was a chance it could be ectopic... that fucked my head right up and I had to wait until the next morning for a scan to see what was what
So after a sleepless night I went down to EPU for an internal scan which was very... intimate. The nurse couldnt find any prenancy in my womb although due to the hormones telling my body I was pregnant it had developed a thick lining ready for an egg. She found the 'mass' (Insensitive as fuck but I guess it's their way of trying to get you to think of it as something other than a baby due to the situation) in my right fallopian tube not far from the ovary itself. There was an amount of fluid around the area and into the abdominal wall. When my Doctor came to see me afterwards she told me that I was around 7 weeks pregnant but the baby was growing in the tube. They thought that my body was beginning to break it down itself after recognising it as a foreign body, but instead of bleeding down into the uterus I was bleeding into the abdomin. Once again, they wanted me in overnight so my bloods could be repeated the next day (48 hours after the first lot was taken) and if my hormone levels were dropping they wouldn't need to do anything but I couldn't leave and come back because there was still a chance my tube could rupture which would basically kill me. Nice
Next morning they came and took more bloods and I sat around waiting, shitting myself but pretty much numb to the whole thing. I hadn't had time to process anything in my own head. Results came back but my hormones hadn't dropped. Miss Gul (My consultant) told me that the baby was still growing and not being broken down as they'd first thought so, especially with a bleed in the area already, they'd likely need to remove it surgically. Which also meant a high probability of me losing one of my tubes, too. I cried. A lot. Then a couple of hours later, after they let me panic and cry and worry they told me that they wanted to try Medical Management which avoids an operation and the removal of a tube, hopefully resulting in higher future fertility. So, after another night stuck in the god damn place with my head planted firmly up my ass I went for these injections. They gave me an injection in each of my thighs of something called Methotrexate which blocks the growth of any further cells, so it only affects the pregnancy and not the tube where it's situated. I had to be monitored for a couple of hours to make sure I had no immediate reaction, allergy etc and that night (Wednesday) they discharged me after cramming me full of information, rules and side affects ie
- Follow up for bloods on Day 4, Day 7 and Day 14 after discharge, then every week after if the results aren't satisfactory
- It's essential I'm not left on my own over the next two frigging weeks
- I have to drink a minimum of 1.5 litres of fluid a day
- No alcohol, no sun exposure and no sex until all follow ups complete
- I can't get pregnant in the next 3 months or the drug will damage the baby
- Should I feel faint, dizzy, drowsy, have shoulder tip pain or pain opening my bowels go straight to A&E
- Possible side effects of vaginal bleeding, nausea or vomiting, diarrohea, mouth ulcers, gastroenteritis, loss of energy, bone marrow supression, deranged liver functions, dizziness and discolouration of urine
They told me that some people develop abdominal pain after 3-4 days which usually lasts around 12 hours due to the breaking down of the tubal pregnancy but sometimes it's necessary to be readmitted in order to differentiate it from a tubal rupture which leads to the next fun part. I was discharged late Wednesday night, stayed at Pauls on Thursday and woke up on Friday in serious agony. Abdominal fucking agony. I was crying, couldn't move, shitting myself thinking it'd ruptured, Paul was panicing and didn't know what the hell to do. They'd told me I could expect some pain but this was above and beyond the call of duty y'know? So ambulance ahoy and I ended up back at A&E where the pain subsided after some painkillers and I felt a bit of a prat. The doctors let me go a few hours later under strick instructions to come straight back if the pain worsened. Without going into too much detail because it's seriously gross I passed something the size of my hand that basically looked like raw liver that was what had caused me to be in so much agony and yeah... traumatising isn't the word. Follow up bloods on Sunday went okay aside from low blood pressure which they said was to be expected due to all the blood loss. I've been bleeding for 13 days now and I just want it to fucking stop. Back at EPU again in the morning for follow up appointment number 2

I hate it. I hate all of this. I hate that I never realised just how much I wanted a baby until I got one only to have it taken away. I can't process anything that's gone on because it all happened so fast. According to the hospital I'm in shock because I've had no time for 'psychological adjustment'. I just keep breaking down and crying, I hate how unfair life is and on top of it all, it's like someone up there is throwing everything at me that they can to make it harder for me to get through this. My sister, Emma, is 26 weeks pregnant with my niece so everywhere I look there is baby stuff which, is just like someone stabbing a needle into my heart. Then this morning my brother and his girlfriend came round to tell us all that Claire is now just over 6 weeks pregnant. I'm happy for them, but it's like being kicked in the teeth. Everyone else gets their baby but I don't get mine. Paul is trying to be strong and be there for me but I know that this is hard as hell for him, too. I'm pretty much a useless, emotional, bitter wreck at the moment and all I want to do is disappear

Aside from all of that I'm in a financial hole. I owe uber money out and even with every penny I have (About £1,400) I'm still the best part of £500 short. No one I know has that kinda money to hand and if I'm lucky enough to get a bank loan it won't come through in time. So, bailiffs... homeless? Fuck knows. I can't get my head around any of it with everything that has gone on. A dodgy illegal loan is looking my only option at the moment and that's only if I'm able to get one, which I doubt and don't really want to do because I can't afford the interest especially as I'm now outta work due to all that up there. I'm not angsty or teenage but I honestly feel like offing myself right now. What am I meant to do? I haven't got a clue anymore, I'm completely and utterly lost
Honestly, I've never felt so alone in all my life

End major vent-age
Sorry

Mmmmmm...

So, my 23rd on the 19th
Parents refuse to buy me anything or acknowledge it
Sweet huh?...

There shall be no gifts so, booze and drugs sound an appealing alternate

mood	»	numb
music	»	Forsaken - VNV Nation

My life really is in utter turmoil

I'm so unsure of whether I am meant to be walking around wearing my heart on my sleeve with tears in my eyes, or the worlds largest yet blatently fake smile painted on my face. I'm at such a loss for what's best for those around me that I am completely bypassing what it is that is best for me

My pill popping has gone way too far. I'm swallowing whatever I am able to lay my hands on. At the moment I'm averaging around 25 30mg Dyhydracodeine a day just to remain sufficely comatosed

My Mother was diagnosed the day before myself and my Sister were due to go abroad. She has inoperable Lung Cancer. She started her Chemotherapy on Thursday past... the best they can hope for is to shrink the tumour and be able to control it but they don't even know if that is possible yet. We're not going to know until this 3 month treatment course is over and they review the situation

I also discovered that the last 2 and a half years of my life have been a complete waste of time, relationship wise. As usual I failed to see that which was obvious to all those around me

I would say yes, I am a fool but even a fool has hope. At this moment in time, I'm struggling to find anything

So I'm finally realising how badly my life has decended into destruction

I don't know what it worse- The fact that I've let it to such a degree, or the fact I don't actually give a shit

Fucking off abroad on a major bender for a week, leaving early hours Wednesday
My Mother is seriously ill. Had Phleurosy now they don't know. Coughing up blood, she's on liquid morphine. Had an ECG, Bronchostopy (sp?) [Without sedation- this is where I get my insanity gene from I'm sure] now an MRI scan? It's fucked up
My relationship... Don't even get me started
Drugs are getting out of control, especially now I've found that smoking Joints with added Cocaine are awesome

I just generally cannot be bothered, I'm more preoccupied with getting off my face. At least I can forget that way, even if only for a moment

Hope everyone is good, though
Well, not everyone but the ones I mean know who they are <33

mood

»

blank

Oooooh... update?

My life is in the shitter
Why is it that the better your intentions, the worse the fallout?

Vodka. Cocaine. Cigarettes.
Really, what else do I need?
... I wouldn't give anyone the satisfaction of knowing. Or of seeing the tears in my eyes.

This Era is over and I await the start of a new Chapter

mood

»

distressed

Dear JK Rowling,
You ruined my life.
You suck
Kthanxbye
Jo-Jo R

I'm NOT a fan of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows

Currently uploading uber amounts of pictures

End

mood	»	calm
music	»	Love Today - Mika

The bastards threw me a massive arse suprise party
It was humiliating but grand ^.^
I went to see my parents and when I came back around in the car I could see this huge ass banner (Like, a double bedsheet banner) saying "Happy 21st Joanne" and I just started shrieking "DON'T STOP! DRIVE! DRIIIIIIIVE!!!!" but to no avail

It ended up- Me, Our Emma, Jason, Titch, Sandie, Udo, Tommy, Kieran, Jay, Sarah, Emma W, Pablo, Wad, Danielle, Leah, Carl, Kiesha and her fella, Tanya, Paul [Not my Paul, obviously yet unfortunately] and god knows who else. I don't even remember half the night. Probably because Me, Em, Leah and Sandie alone killed 3 litre bottles of vodka, 2 litres of wine, 54 alcopop thingies and a shitload of shots
It was a great night

Oh, and my right wrist is now tattooed, too

I have shitloads of pictures but my parents PC is fucked and I'm on a laptop at the moment so, I shall upload and update as soon as possible

Hope everyone is good

mood	»	shocked
music	»	Ruby - Kaiserchiefs

Y'know, life is really really messed up, and as I discovered as of yesterday, so is the road in which I currently reside
One of our... I dunno, Summer Drinking Crew? Was found murdered in an Alleyway near the top of the hill
The whole street was blocked off. Police tape everywhere. Forensics. CSI. CID. I've never seen so many of them in my whole life. And the actual realisation that someone has murdered someone we all know, talk to and sit with hasn't sunk in yet. To kill Simon? He wouldn't have said boo to a goose and they killed him? Wrapped him in binbags and left him in an entry to rot? It makes ny stomach churn until I feel physically sick
He was a laugh, with his spiderman flipper slippers
...
There are people in this world that shouldn't exist
And the fact that pretty much everyone knows it was done by his own girlfriends demented brother makes it even worse
Murders in movies are great. Gore is, fantabulous. But this? This is way too fucked up and way too close to home. It isn't just a name in a newspaper or TV report, he is real. Real to all of us
He may have been a sandwich short of a picnic, but which one of us isn't. We'll miss you, Si

mood	»	contemplative
music	»	Mika- Easy//Ian Brown - Reign

Why does life have to be such a huge hairy camels fanny?

So, with the legal system you do half of your sentence
Pauls = 30 months
Therefore 30 month sentence/2 = 15 months
15 months - 2 months remand time
= 13 months
This is not a problem. This is grand
The problem lies henceforth
You are usually eligible for early release on tag after completion of an average of 3/4 of your sentence
This means Paul should be getting out around December
Only, the cunts are trying to deny him it. On the grounds that- When we couldn't stay in Bootle anymore and his bail address was changed through the Crown Courts to Bromborough Secure-a-call were meant to come out and re-fit him with a new tag (The tag was added to his conditions after he broke his bail by coming back to Birkenhead) only when we ended up in Bromborough no one ever came out. Now Prohbation are trying to say this breach means he isn't entitled to early release
My opinion- It was their mistake not his, so why should he be held accountable. It was their responsibilty to ensure his tag was fitted, not his. They failed to come, he never refused to have it. He stuck to every other fucking condition. IE signing on every bastard day at the Police station. A 11.30pm - 6am curfew. And every other whim they threw
His solicitors opinion - See above
So, they are going to see what they can do but who knows?
I may now be waiting until April next year
Superb eh?
I will wait for him. People may query why. If you do, then you obviously don't know what love is. That's the only answer I have to that question. I love him so much, it's actually quite scary. All I have to do is think about him and my heart starts pounding, I get butterflies in my stomach and I'm almost knocked off my feet by a wave of memories we both share

Oh yeah, I'm also going into Hospital (The Royal in Liverpool to be exact) on Wednesday to have my gallbladder cut out of me
W00t w00t!

*EVERYONE LISTEN TO MIKA! OMFGAWESOME!!*

mood	»	crushed
music	»	Fletcher Memorial Home - Pink Floyd

They csme down like a tonne of bricks
30 months
He'll be out in 10- 13 months

Boom boom, bang bang
Lay down, you're dead

Letter about going to Prohabation regarding his pre sentencing report was sent to his Home address instead of his Bail address and therefore wasn't recieved
No pre sentence report = No sentencing
Bail granted once again until Feb 23rd and pre sentence report is complete

mood	»	complacent
music	»	FEAR - (Unkle Remix) Ian Brown

...

*Looks subdued*

... ...

My hair is black?
MY HURR IS BLACKKKKKKKK!

... It freaks me out
Not used to it
*Strokes Pink dye* I miss you...

I have £100
I am getting uberly stupidly unadvisably drunk tomorrow night
Paul gets sentenced on Thursday
Me, Paul, Emma, Sandie, Udo, Tommy, Kieran, Jayne, Emma, Pablo and hopefully Phil and Steph
Should be fun
And yes, I am taking THE CAMERA!

mood	»	chipper
music	»	Pink Floyd - See Emily Play

I think I am finally embracing my heritage and nationality

*Takes bite of scone*

Fuck knows why it took me so long

*Sips tea*

England is truly the Home of the Greats

... Well, I do live here ^.^

I keep meaning to update but what do I say? It isn't that there's a shortage of activity in my life. Infact, it's the exact opposite. There is so much going on at one time I feel my head is liable to explode and... yeah, I need my head! Duh!

One thing is that you know you smoke too much when you're going through 30 ciggies a day. May God have mercy on my lungs because I'm obviously not going to

I haven't really spoken about Paul in this thing. I don't know why. He is the most important thing in this world to me. I guess... there aren't words? We've been together since 16th June and you know fuck all about him. Well, except for the fact he is institutionalised which... hmph, not really the greatest first impression, heh. He is amazing. There is NOBODY that could fail to get on with him... He was born with the gift of the gab and he knows how to use it. He's witty, he's funny, he's snide, he's wetyourpants insane. He dances in flats wearing my Betty Boop hoody. He runs down streets in my glittery 'Sex' belt, cotton socks and nothing else. He rides single beds down steep ass hills. He runs into walls to fix dislocated shoulders and knocks himself out cold. He strips. His real laugh (Not his for show laugh) is like a sewing machine and makes you howl. He comes out with most hilarious insults to others. He is more of a best friend than a Dad to his children... I could go on but then I'll be rambling and I do that far too much as it is already

In the time we have been together we have experienced and gotten through things that married couples never have to face. When he was arrested, it felt like someone had kicked me with a steel toed DocMarten. Going back and forth to Walton Prison. Writing letter after letter every day, with crazy anime pictures of us and random poems. Having to hold hands over visiting tables. Witnessing him being refused bail was so hard... When you try and put on a face for show. To be strong and there for others, but you cannot help or prevent the tears clouding your eyes. Nearly two months until I was actually able to hold him probably. Nearly two months before I could sit on his knee and have him hold me close. But, in that moment that I met him outside the Gates, as soon as I was pressed to him the hardship of the previous two months faded away as though they were no more than a bad dream

I'm going to have to say farewell again on the 1st. Farewell but not Goodbye. I'll go to work, I'll go to college and once a week I will go to him. I'll do my overtime, I'll do my coursework and every night I'll write my letter. I'll go out with my friends, I'll see my family and every day I'll wait on my Phonecall. It's not normality, it's not bliss but for him it is worth it. For us, it is worth it. My name may be tattooed down his leg but his name is tattooed on my heart

Cheesey, eh?

Fuck it

I am so inlove with him, sometimes it feels like drowning

Life throws obstacles at us all, but non of these will make me fall. The finish line may not be in sight, but I know the prize waiting at the end makes the journey more than worth it