..Just another brick in the wall (narcotized_fear) wrote,
..Just another brick in the wall
narcotized_fear

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Planet Earth is blue and there's nothing I can do...

I know, updates from me are kin to getting blood from a stone. I guess this is an update in part but also a dire desperate need to vent

My life just seems to be getting more and more complicated and difficult

Right now my head is more fucked than I can ever recollect (And that's saying a lot!). Last Saturday I was getting these crippling pains down my right hand side, mainly in my hip/abdominal area but spreading into the lower back and upper thigh. Personally, I'm a doctor/hopital-aphobe meaning I will not go of my own accord unless I have no choice soooo me being me, I ate some painkillers and gritted my teeth. When I woke up on Sunday morning I couldn't move. The pain was unbearable. After over an hour of crawling round the bedroom floor in hysterics I faced the fact that maybe this was one of those 'get your white ass to A&E' times so I phoned the parents. That in itself went down well but my Dad came round and took me to Arrowe Park Hospital by this point I was vomiting and pretty much unable to breath because the pain was that bad, to be frank, I was absolutely shitting myself
When I eventually got to see the Doctor (God bless the NHS) she examined me blah blah blah and seemed to think, as I did, there was a fair chance this was something to do with my kidneys. I did the compulsary urine sample only to be told that I was pregnant. Which I wasn't expecting. I mean, I was way overdue on my period but had started bleeding a few days before so obviously, with me passing blood and having crippling abdominal pain they send me to maternity/gynaecology straight away. Blood tests showed an elevated level of hormones in my blood, coinsiding with the positive pregnancy result but due to the pain they informed me straight away that while it could be a regular pregnancy there was a chance it could be ectopic... that fucked my head right up and I had to wait until the next morning for a scan to see what was what
So after a sleepless night I went down to EPU for an internal scan which was very... intimate. The nurse couldnt find any prenancy in my womb although due to the hormones telling my body I was pregnant it had developed a thick lining ready for an egg. She found the 'mass' (Insensitive as fuck but I guess it's their way of trying to get you to think of it as something other than a baby due to the situation) in my right fallopian tube not far from the ovary itself. There was an amount of fluid around the area and into the abdominal wall. When my Doctor came to see me afterwards she told me that I was around 7 weeks pregnant but the baby was growing in the tube. They thought that my body was beginning to break it down itself after recognising it as a foreign body, but instead of bleeding down into the uterus I was bleeding into the abdomin. Once again, they wanted me in overnight so my bloods could be repeated the next day (48 hours after the first lot was taken) and if my hormone levels were dropping they wouldn't need to do anything but I couldn't leave and come back because there was still a chance my tube could rupture which would basically kill me. Nice
Next morning they came and took more bloods and I sat around waiting, shitting myself but pretty much numb to the whole thing. I hadn't had time to process anything in my own head. Results came back but my hormones hadn't dropped. Miss Gul (My consultant) told me that the baby was still growing and not being broken down as they'd first thought so, especially with a bleed in the area already, they'd likely need to remove it surgically. Which also meant a high probability of me losing one of my tubes, too. I cried. A lot. Then a couple of hours later, after they let me panic and cry and worry they told me that they wanted to try Medical Management which avoids an operation and the removal of a tube, hopefully resulting in higher future fertility. So, after another night stuck in the god damn place with my head planted firmly up my ass I went for these injections. They gave me an injection in each of my thighs of something called Methotrexate which blocks the growth of any further cells, so it only affects the pregnancy and not the tube where it's situated. I had to be monitored for a couple of hours to make sure I had no immediate reaction, allergy etc and that night (Wednesday) they discharged me after cramming me full of information, rules and side affects ie
- Follow up for bloods on Day 4, Day 7 and Day 14 after discharge, then every week after if the results aren't satisfactory
- It's essential I'm not left on my own over the next two frigging weeks
- I have to drink a minimum of 1.5 litres of fluid a day
- No alcohol, no sun exposure and no sex until all follow ups complete
- I can't get pregnant in the next 3 months or the drug will damage the baby
- Should I feel faint, dizzy, drowsy, have shoulder tip pain or pain opening my bowels go straight to A&E
- Possible side effects of vaginal bleeding, nausea or vomiting, diarrohea, mouth ulcers, gastroenteritis, loss of energy, bone marrow supression, deranged liver functions, dizziness and discolouration of urine
They told me that some people develop abdominal pain after 3-4 days which usually lasts around 12 hours due to the breaking down of the tubal pregnancy but sometimes it's necessary to be readmitted in order to differentiate it from a tubal rupture which leads to the next fun part. I was discharged late Wednesday night, stayed at Pauls on Thursday and woke up on Friday in serious agony. Abdominal fucking agony. I was crying, couldn't move, shitting myself thinking it'd ruptured, Paul was panicing and didn't know what the hell to do. They'd told me I could expect some pain but this was above and beyond the call of duty y'know? So ambulance ahoy and I ended up back at A&E where the pain subsided after some painkillers and I felt a bit of a prat. The doctors let me go a few hours later under strick instructions to come straight back if the pain worsened. Without going into too much detail because it's seriously gross I passed something the size of my hand that basically looked like raw liver that was what had caused me to be in so much agony and yeah... traumatising isn't the word. Follow up bloods on Sunday went okay aside from low blood pressure which they said was to be expected due to all the blood loss. I've been bleeding for 13 days now and I just want it to fucking stop. Back at EPU again in the morning for follow up appointment number 2

I hate it. I hate all of this. I hate that I never realised just how much I wanted a baby until I got one only to have it taken away. I can't process anything that's gone on because it all happened so fast. According to the hospital I'm in shock because I've had no time for 'psychological adjustment'. I just keep breaking down and crying, I hate how unfair life is and on top of it all, it's like someone up there is throwing everything at me that they can to make it harder for me to get through this. My sister, Emma, is 26 weeks pregnant with my niece so everywhere I look there is baby stuff which, is just like someone stabbing a needle into my heart. Then this morning my brother and his girlfriend came round to tell us all that Claire is now just over 6 weeks pregnant. I'm happy for them, but it's like being kicked in the teeth. Everyone else gets their baby but I don't get mine. Paul is trying to be strong and be there for me but I know that this is hard as hell for him, too. I'm pretty much a useless, emotional, bitter wreck at the moment and all I want to do is disappear

Aside from all of that I'm in a financial hole. I owe uber money out and even with every penny I have (About £1,400) I'm still the best part of £500 short. No one I know has that kinda money to hand and if I'm lucky enough to get a bank loan it won't come through in time. So, bailiffs... homeless? Fuck knows. I can't get my head around any of it with everything that has gone on. A dodgy illegal loan is looking my only option at the moment and that's only if I'm able to get one, which I doubt and don't really want to do because I can't afford the interest especially as I'm now outta work due to all that up there. I'm not angsty or teenage but I honestly feel like offing myself right now. What am I meant to do? I haven't got a clue anymore, I'm completely and utterly lost
Honestly, I've never felt so alone in all my life

End major vent-age
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