..Just another brick in the wall (narcotized_fear) wrote,
..Just another brick in the wall

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I am too scared to close my eyes

My life really is in utter turmoil

I'm so unsure of whether I am meant to be walking around wearing my heart on my sleeve with tears in my eyes, or the worlds largest yet blatently fake smile painted on my face. I'm at such a loss for what's best for those around me that I am completely bypassing what it is that is best for me

My pill popping has gone way too far. I'm swallowing whatever I am able to lay my hands on. At the moment I'm averaging around 25 30mg Dyhydracodeine a day just to remain sufficely comatosed

My Mother was diagnosed the day before myself and my Sister were due to go abroad. She has inoperable Lung Cancer. She started her Chemotherapy on Thursday past... the best they can hope for is to shrink the tumour and be able to control it but they don't even know if that is possible yet. We're not going to know until this 3 month treatment course is over and they review the situation

I also discovered that the last 2 and a half years of my life have been a complete waste of time, relationship wise. As usual I failed to see that which was obvious to all those around me

I would say yes, I am a fool but even a fool has hope. At this moment in time, I'm struggling to find anything

Enveloped in a sentiment,
a sound that rushes over me.
Engage an impulse to pretend
I have a faith as pure.
Not forgetting what it means to dream.
Indulging everything.
Entertaining thoughts that I've the strength
of those I yearn to be.
Cheers and tribute greet the saviours.
Reckless thoughts survive.
Anachronistic and impulsive.

And what will happen?
Will I dream?
I am too scared to close my eyes.
For a second please hold me.
None can change in me these things that I believe.
But I don't know what happens now.
I am too scared to close my eyes.
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